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So I'm retreating to my old livejournal. Life is becoming more and more depressing.
On Thursday I had a breakdown. At school. I was having one of those mornings... and then one of my kids quit the play. Just not what I needed. That triggered it... I called Drew during my planning period and started bawling. It started out being about how the kids aren't excited about the play, then how I'm not excited about it because I feel like I'm spread so thin. I don't have the capacity to be excited about and to plan for grammar/writing class, literature class, AND rehearsal every day. Then it became about how frustrated I am with the school. All they care about is athletics. They don't give a shit anymore (as far as I can tell) about academics or the arts. Athletics get the same amount of money as academics do. That's just.. wrong. If these parents want their kids to be star athletes, they should send them to public school and save themselves some money. I thought that people sent their kids to private school for the academics/better education. I guess I was wrong. I certainly wouldn't be sending my kids to this school, though. Even with one free tuition. I'd rather find them a school that has its priorities in order.
So after all that it got more personal. I realized that I hadn't talked to or seen Drew for 3 whole days because of his job. I like his job and I'm so glad that it makes him happy and that he has the potential to go places with it... But I can't stand the late hours. In fact, he's at the store for a late late night for the third time in one week right now! I just wish we had somewhat similar schedules. I so rarely get to see him... and we can't do anything special when we do see each other because it's hardly ever on a weekend, and I always have school the next day.
Then I started thinking about my sister. She had left for Austria that day, and my mom was having a lot of difficulty. I mean, this is a truly empty nest. One kid 3.5 hours away and one... across the ocean. I just wanted to be there for her.. and I couldn't be. It makes me very upset to think that soon I could be on the other side of the country and not even within driving distance of my mom. But I suppose everything has its ups and downs.
Putting this all out there doesn't make it sound like it adds up to much, but I think it's mostly the school thing. I'm just rapidly losing my job satisfaction. I enjoy some things about teaching. I love working with the kids (especially individually), and this year's 8th grade is SO fun to teach. I taught them grammar last year, but they were made for lit. Every lit class is so much fun... They participate (almost too much!) and do their homework (for the most part), which is SOO nice. My job is MUCH easier this year just because I'm not having to do all the work to prepare for book discussions and things because I can just walk into the classroom and say, "Do you have any questions or comments on the reading?" and 14 hands go up. It's amazing. It's more like going to a book club every day than anything else.. with a few grades thrown in here and there.
A lot of school really frustrates me, though. If I could just hang out with the kids and talk about books all day, it'd be great. Unfortunately there's a lot more to it than that. One is (as I already mentioned) my director. He's part of the "Army for Athletics" that is pushing academics to the backburner. Yeah, he (just like the rest of the fac/admin) will tell me over and over that he's "so excited" about the play and stuff, but truthfully all he seems to care about is how the football team played last weekend. He's all talk and no follow through. He also tends to "forget" about group decisions and make them on his own. Very inconvenient, rude, and disrespectful for the faculty... I used to give him the benefit of the doubt -- said he didn't mean to do most of what he messed up... but I (like other faculty members) am starting to think maybe it's intentional after all.
Today I got really mad because he told me that the student that quit the show had been bugged by her castmates for quitting. The mom apparently called the director because she was upset. He tried to explain to me the issue, and I expressed to him that I did not feel sorry for the kid. She quit the play after committing to it, and I don't care if she's 13. She knows what it means to commit to something. Breaking that commitment is a big deal in my eyes. I tried to put it in athlete terms for him -- a cast is a team where every single player is VITAL. If one player quits, you're guaranteed to lose. I needed her and she had a spot in the cast... and then she quit. I think that's a bad thing to encourage in children. He told me he felt that I was being a little bit harsh with a 13 year old but I disagree. I think it's time we held these kids accountable for their actions.
I emailed the mom and it turns out that I was not given exactly the right information (and maybe it is partly because I misinterpreted it). I also did come on a bit too strong now that I know a little more of the motivation for her withdrawal. Even still, it upset me that my director valued kids' participation in drama so little that he was okay with a kid just deciding to quit.
This is really just rambling, but I need a permanent place to put it. I've talked to several people, but I end up just getting riled up and take it out on them. I wish I could find a way to just get past it all (whatever "it" is) and move on and try to enjoy my job. I want to just hole up in my classroom, have the kids come to me, teach them what I want to teach, have a nice little laid back book club, and have the administration out of my face. I feel much more dissatisfied this year than I did last year.. which is weird because I have a much better group of kids now and I know what I'm doing a little better. Even still.. I always feel swamped and I always feel like the director is breathing down my neck... I think being geographically separated from the majority of the faculty for most of the day isn't helping either because the other teachers are what kept me going last year.
Speaking of other teachers, I feel really bad because I'm sharing 7th grade grammar with another teacher and she seems to be doing most of the work. We plan out what we'll generally do together, but she's been doing so much work -- when it should be ME doing all the work since I teach more of them than she does. She has 2 other classes to worry about.. I've got to start taking more initiative. I find that I don't like sharing classes very much. I feel like I"m under scrutiny... especially since her daughter is in my class. >.<;;
UGH. I'm so frustrated. But I have definitely come to the conclusion that I will not be teaching again after this school year. Although making that decision makes it even harder to get through the year... I'm just excited about not having summer break (most boring, pointless, horrible 2 months of my life) and having a job that is primarily paper and individual-based instead of all about people. I don't think I work well with other people. Classes tend to be an interruption to my planning periods.. I feel like I get a lot more done if I just sit down at my desk and work for several hours. That's weird, isn't it...
On Thursday I had a breakdown. At school. I was having one of those mornings... and then one of my kids quit the play. Just not what I needed. That triggered it... I called Drew during my planning period and started bawling. It started out being about how the kids aren't excited about the play, then how I'm not excited about it because I feel like I'm spread so thin. I don't have the capacity to be excited about and to plan for grammar/writing class, literature class, AND rehearsal every day. Then it became about how frustrated I am with the school. All they care about is athletics. They don't give a shit anymore (as far as I can tell) about academics or the arts. Athletics get the same amount of money as academics do. That's just.. wrong. If these parents want their kids to be star athletes, they should send them to public school and save themselves some money. I thought that people sent their kids to private school for the academics/better education. I guess I was wrong. I certainly wouldn't be sending my kids to this school, though. Even with one free tuition. I'd rather find them a school that has its priorities in order.
So after all that it got more personal. I realized that I hadn't talked to or seen Drew for 3 whole days because of his job. I like his job and I'm so glad that it makes him happy and that he has the potential to go places with it... But I can't stand the late hours. In fact, he's at the store for a late late night for the third time in one week right now! I just wish we had somewhat similar schedules. I so rarely get to see him... and we can't do anything special when we do see each other because it's hardly ever on a weekend, and I always have school the next day.
Then I started thinking about my sister. She had left for Austria that day, and my mom was having a lot of difficulty. I mean, this is a truly empty nest. One kid 3.5 hours away and one... across the ocean. I just wanted to be there for her.. and I couldn't be. It makes me very upset to think that soon I could be on the other side of the country and not even within driving distance of my mom. But I suppose everything has its ups and downs.
Putting this all out there doesn't make it sound like it adds up to much, but I think it's mostly the school thing. I'm just rapidly losing my job satisfaction. I enjoy some things about teaching. I love working with the kids (especially individually), and this year's 8th grade is SO fun to teach. I taught them grammar last year, but they were made for lit. Every lit class is so much fun... They participate (almost too much!) and do their homework (for the most part), which is SOO nice. My job is MUCH easier this year just because I'm not having to do all the work to prepare for book discussions and things because I can just walk into the classroom and say, "Do you have any questions or comments on the reading?" and 14 hands go up. It's amazing. It's more like going to a book club every day than anything else.. with a few grades thrown in here and there.
A lot of school really frustrates me, though. If I could just hang out with the kids and talk about books all day, it'd be great. Unfortunately there's a lot more to it than that. One is (as I already mentioned) my director. He's part of the "Army for Athletics" that is pushing academics to the backburner. Yeah, he (just like the rest of the fac/admin) will tell me over and over that he's "so excited" about the play and stuff, but truthfully all he seems to care about is how the football team played last weekend. He's all talk and no follow through. He also tends to "forget" about group decisions and make them on his own. Very inconvenient, rude, and disrespectful for the faculty... I used to give him the benefit of the doubt -- said he didn't mean to do most of what he messed up... but I (like other faculty members) am starting to think maybe it's intentional after all.
Today I got really mad because he told me that the student that quit the show had been bugged by her castmates for quitting. The mom apparently called the director because she was upset. He tried to explain to me the issue, and I expressed to him that I did not feel sorry for the kid. She quit the play after committing to it, and I don't care if she's 13. She knows what it means to commit to something. Breaking that commitment is a big deal in my eyes. I tried to put it in athlete terms for him -- a cast is a team where every single player is VITAL. If one player quits, you're guaranteed to lose. I needed her and she had a spot in the cast... and then she quit. I think that's a bad thing to encourage in children. He told me he felt that I was being a little bit harsh with a 13 year old but I disagree. I think it's time we held these kids accountable for their actions.
I emailed the mom and it turns out that I was not given exactly the right information (and maybe it is partly because I misinterpreted it). I also did come on a bit too strong now that I know a little more of the motivation for her withdrawal. Even still, it upset me that my director valued kids' participation in drama so little that he was okay with a kid just deciding to quit.
This is really just rambling, but I need a permanent place to put it. I've talked to several people, but I end up just getting riled up and take it out on them. I wish I could find a way to just get past it all (whatever "it" is) and move on and try to enjoy my job. I want to just hole up in my classroom, have the kids come to me, teach them what I want to teach, have a nice little laid back book club, and have the administration out of my face. I feel much more dissatisfied this year than I did last year.. which is weird because I have a much better group of kids now and I know what I'm doing a little better. Even still.. I always feel swamped and I always feel like the director is breathing down my neck... I think being geographically separated from the majority of the faculty for most of the day isn't helping either because the other teachers are what kept me going last year.
Speaking of other teachers, I feel really bad because I'm sharing 7th grade grammar with another teacher and she seems to be doing most of the work. We plan out what we'll generally do together, but she's been doing so much work -- when it should be ME doing all the work since I teach more of them than she does. She has 2 other classes to worry about.. I've got to start taking more initiative. I find that I don't like sharing classes very much. I feel like I"m under scrutiny... especially since her daughter is in my class. >.<;;
UGH. I'm so frustrated. But I have definitely come to the conclusion that I will not be teaching again after this school year. Although making that decision makes it even harder to get through the year... I'm just excited about not having summer break (most boring, pointless, horrible 2 months of my life) and having a job that is primarily paper and individual-based instead of all about people. I don't think I work well with other people. Classes tend to be an interruption to my planning periods.. I feel like I get a lot more done if I just sit down at my desk and work for several hours. That's weird, isn't it...
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